Excerpt from “Sweet and Sour Labrador” by Jasper Carrott ~~Sebastian~~

picture-SweetSourLabrador-CarrottDavina’s mother came to the door. She took one look at me and said, ‘No, thank you, we’re Sainsbury’s.’
‘No,’ I said, ‘I’m here for Davina.’
‘Are you Jaspah?’
‘Oh dear,’ she said and shouted into the house, ‘Davina, it’s Jaspah!’
Davina quickly appeared.
‘Oh fabuloso! Yippee, Mummy, he’s got a super big lorry with eight wheels. Isn’t he absolutely sweet? Mummy, this is Jaspah. Jaspah . . . Mummy.’
I was just going ‘How do you do, Mrs Jacobson. Very pleased to meet –’ when, at that precise moment, Sebastian arrives.
Sebastian was their Afghan and he gave me no chance. He spotted that right leg and suddenly it was Sadler’s Wells again.
Get ‘im off me!’ I was yelling as they were beating him with bricks, sticks and anything that came to hand.
‘Kick his balls!’ Mrs Jacobson shouted.
That was all I needed. By leaping three yards in the air, I could screw my left foot round and deliver a Trevor Francis special – right between Sebastian’s thrusting legs.
‘No!’ she screamed. ‘His balls! The ones on the lawn!’
But by that time there were tears in my eyes, never mind Sebastian’s.
Eventually I was taken into the lounge to meet Davina’s father. He wasn’t too impressed.
‘You look a mess,’ he said.
‘I should think so. I’ve just been raped by your Afghan.’
The whole family was there so I had to go around the room meeting aunties, uncles, grannies, brothers, sisters – the whole Jacobson hunting set.
… About an hour later, they brought in tea and cucumber sandwiches. While we were all chatting away, Sebastian appeared, limping slightly.
Luckily, he was too knackered by now to pay me any attention. Instead, he sat down in the middle of the room and started methodically licking his bum.
Now isn’t that embarrassing? I mean, where do you look? No one’s going to say anything, are they? They’re not going to say, ‘Stop licking your arsehole, Sebastian.’
In desperation, to break the acute embarrassment of the occasion, I said, ‘Cor, I wish I could do that.’
It was just to break the ice – crack a little funny, that sort of thing.
But you always know when you’ve said the wrong thing. People start spluttering and coughing and fingering their collars.
Thankfully, it was Davina’s mum who let me off the hook. She looked me in the eye and smiled sweetly.
‘If you give him a biscuit, he’ll let you.’


1 Comment

Filed under Fiction, Joke, Literature

One response to “Excerpt from “Sweet and Sour Labrador” by Jasper Carrott ~~Sebastian~~

  1. Jasper Carrott was born in Birmingham, England on 14 March 1945.
    I saw Carrott perform in Brisbane in the early eighties, a good laugh.

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